(Disclaimer: I think I’ve made it painfully obvious, but just in case… The following is satire – an extreme opposite of what I would like to actually say)
Welcome to my blog! The New Scrooge!
Many of you have reached out to me at The New Scrooge (#DaGeezerEbenezer) asking for a basic tutorial on this subject because you have noticed how well-practiced I am at hating the world. When I say “world” I don’t really mean the “Earth” like you see on the nature documentaries – that stuff is alright I suppose – no what I really mean are the people in the world. And when I say hate, I don’t really mean the kind of hate you might get out of some club-wielding skinhead at a some supremacy rally… no… I just mean a low-level disregard and indifference (bordering on latent hostility perhaps) for everyone who has not given me some really good reason for treating them with respect. So let’s get to it.
Number One: (Pragmatism)
Well I sort of already teased this one… but if another so-called “human” person has not lately done something for me personally (and by lately I mean very quite recently) then there is no pragmatic reason for giving them any respect or consideration. That lady with 3 kids in her shopping cart at the Costmeco – what has she done for me lately besides get in my way and slow me down? I need not even ask to let me by – I just push past. Who cares that she thinks me rude. General courtesy towards other humans might have worked when there were very few of us around – but with nearly 8 billion fighting for my space and my air, who’s got the energy to be nice?
Number Two: (Dehumanization)
I really helps to perceive other people as accidental combinations of molecular matter. After all… what is really all that bad about objectifying people? Why not dehumanize someone you don’t like or even know? The antiquated notion of personhood can just go rot in my opinion…
Defining personhood is a controversial topic in philosophy and law and is closely tied with legal and political concepts of citizenship, equality, and liberty. According to law, a natural person has “rights, protections and privileges”. Blah blah blah… like I said – antiquated stuff. People are essentially no different from cattle and chickens when you look at the science of it, so let’s just get over the moldy-oldie notions,
Number Three: (Divisionism)
Speaking of law and politics… you can really express your hate for the world in the voting booths and in the memes you post on social media. Chances are you will be in disagreement with a lot of others in today’s political climate. The time for rational and reasonable discourse with a willingness to see things from the others side is over – way over. The only truly effective method of argument these days is the ad-hominem attack – so learn it, practice it on facebook or whatever – get really really good at delivering vicious chat-attacks against any disagreeing person – rather than trying to argue only the position they are maintaining.
Number Four: (Indifference)
All these religious types keep talking about being compassionate towards the suffering. Well I got enough suffering of my own to worry about… why should I invest in the care of fools I know nothing about? If you follow my advice above – only help those who are in a position to help to you back – for the rest – just disavow their humanity and you’re golden. If anyone thinks differently find some flaw in them to point at and thereby negate everything else they might say.
Rather than taking my queues from the book that has led humanity for thousands of years – I choose to follow after my fore-bearer Scrooge
I Hate People
(as expressed by Scrooge in Scrooge the Musical – 1970 https://youtu.be/hU6WXCvNGms)
Scavengers and sycophants and flatterers and fools
Pharisees and parasites and hypocrites and ghouls
Calculating swindlers, prevaricating frauds
Perpetrating evil as they roam the earth in hordes
Feeding on their fellow men
Reaping rich rewards
Contaminating everything they see
Corrupting honest men like me
Humbug! Poppycock! Balderdash! Bah!
I hate people! I hate people!
People are despicable creatures
Loathesome inexplicable creatures
Good-for-nothing kickable creatures
I hate people! I abhor them!
When I see the indolent classes
Sitting on their indolent asses
Gulping ale from indolent glasses
I hate people! I detest them! I deplore them!
Fools who have no money spend it
Get in debt then try to end it
Beg me on their knees befriend them
Knowing I have cash to lend them…
Soft-hearted me! Hard-working me!
Clean-living, thrifty and kind as can be!
Situations like this are of interest to me
I hate people! I loathe people! I despise and abominate people!
Life is full of cretinous wretches
Earning what their sweatiness fetches
Empty minds whose pettiness stretches
Further than I can see
Little wonder I hate people
And I don’t care if they hate me!