Answer:
RESPONSE: I appreciate your dilemma and how difficult a razor’s edge we’re talking about. The Bible acknowledges this tight rope when on one hand we have the example of Jesus who was “a friend of tax collectors and ‘sinners’” (Matt 11:19) and on the other we have the warnings of Paul who said, “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33).
So we need discernment to understand what may lead to sinful behavior and what doesn’t. If alcohol consumption may move you into sin then it’s clear that you shouldn’t say “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” just to fit in. Jesus, in hanging with sinners, did not sin. This is the beauty of his example. His point was not to say, “hey guys, what you’re up to is no big deal, boys will be boys, wink, wink…” No. His goal was to say something as simple as, “I know this might shock you, but… I like you.”
How often do Christians miss the chance to say, “I like you” to someone whose behavior is not approved? Non-Christians aren’t stupid – they know when they’re not liked, even if we SAY we accept everyone. They also know (usually) when certain behaviors they do are going to be problematic for Christians. I don’t think they want an endorsement from us for everything they do… However, the thing that they DO need and the thing that will shock them is when you can give them an “I like you”, when they’re expecting rejection. “I like you” is not the same as “I approve of all you do.”
You have to find a way to communicate love and acceptance while also communicating a complete difference of Lordship; IE the fact that you’re taking orders from a different Boss. And you show that more than you need to say it. Saying it repeatedly because you’re worried somehow God will be displeased if you don’t constantly remind people of how bad their behavior is, is unproductive. A) they already know where you stand, likely. And B) if you’re going to have impact, after they know where you stand, showing will be far more effective than telling.
Take dirty, inappropriate jokes, for example. I can condemn them every time I hear them and rapidly lose all contact with the tellers - either because they disgust me and I leave, or I communicate disgust and they leave. But the other way is to refuse to laugh at those jokes, and only tell edifying jokes myself. Pretty soon, I’ve elevated the conversation around me, and done so without shunning or breaking relationship.
Now, here’s another area of discernment. You need to measure your own faith and maturity and figure out what you can handle. And that’s different for each of us.
Like in the area of drinking. If you can’t be around drinking because of your own past with alcohol, you can’t just abstain from it and smile as you hang around your friends getting plastered. You have to know when and where you can be an influencer for good and when you’re a candidate to be influenced in a bad way. I think the goal of the spiritually mature ought to be that they can be almost anywhere and not be influenced by evil behavior, and in fact, be there to INFLUENCE for Christ. But depending on past or maturity, no one can do that in all places. I couldn’t go to a porn convention for example, to try and reach people for Christ or even just do relationship… that’d be a disaster for me. But I know of a ministry that does just that as their mission. They’re clear on who is influencer and who is influencee… And as the influencer they can accept those who do things that they believe are destroying thousands of marriages and lives around the country. The one pastor in charge of this ministry even debates one of the “kings” of porn about the disastrous effects of his “craft”. And YET, the porn king considers this pastor a close friend – because he feels accepted by him.
That’s a picture of the cutting edge!
If, in a given situation, you have to “step away” as you said, I think that shows good discernment as you assess your own vulnerability. If you step away because it’s bad behavior that simply disgusts you… then realize 2 things. One, that your moral conscience is reengaged because of God’s work in you not because you’re such a great person. And be thankful. Those around you have “lost all sensitivity” (Eph 4:19) and their consciences are “seared” (1 Tim 4:2). That’s not a cause for superiority or for disgust. Thankfulness for God’s work, and pity are more appropriate. Two, if you find yourself moving toward a superior spirit, then realize all the disgusting things Jesus forgives in you. If you must step away because your continued presence will communicate condoning, then communicating your reasons for leaving will maintain the balance God is asking of you. For example, “I can’t be here right now, because I’m going to do something I’ll regret. I love you guys, but I have to go.”
Then I would offer an alternative context or venue, perhaps, that could keep relationship going without the threatening behavior getting in the way. My challenge despite the problems your friends’ behavior poses, is to always lean towards more contact, not less. We mustn’t default to separation as if that’s a safe retreat position. It’s not safe. Not if we want to be like Jesus who, “Did not come to the world to condemn it but that the world through him might be saved.” (John 3:17) If that’s our goal, we’re more on the offensive than the defensive. Condemnation is a given. Salvation is optional. Which is why we’re in the salvation business, not the condemnation business. So the more we can go into murky places without being compromised, the more we live out God’s M.O. who sent the Word to become Flesh and move into the neighborhood. Think about it: this world is a garbage strewn back alley compared to heaven, but Jesus, the sinless One, dared to invade this dirty space. We can’t be as bold as he at all times, because we have broken pasts and we want to please God and our flesh is weak (susceptible to both sin AND superiority)… HOWEVER, the resources God is eager give arrive when we mimic what he himself does.
The perfect balance of this razor’s edge is described by Jude, vs. 23 “Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. There are still others to whom you need to show mercy, but be careful that you aren`t contaminated by their sins.” NLT
