SE022110
IT’S ALL GREEK TO ME
3. PHILIA (Friendship)
Knowing he was near death, a rich guy called three of his best friends to ask their help. He had a plan for how to take some of his money with him after death. The three friends were a priest, a doctor, and a lawyer. The guy gave each of them $50,000 in cash and told them to put the money in his casket when viewing the body.
After the guy was buried, the 3 friends got together. The priest confessed that he only put $20,000 in and gave the rest to the poor. The doctor said he only put in $30,000 and used the remainder to fund a health care facility. The lawyer said,
“I'm ashamed of you guys… I put in the full $50,000.”
The priest said, “really?”
“yes Father, I placed the personal check in his suit pocket.”
Now, let’s play pick your moral to the story. Is it…
a. You can’t take it with you
b. Never trust a lawyer or
c. Pick better friends.
If you chose ©, pick better friends, congratulations you’ve been paying attention to our theme today – PHILIA, friendship love. The Bible celebrates Philia Love in Eccl 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! …Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
So we need friendships in life – but ironically, PHILIA distinguishes itself from the other loves in that it is the love built LEAST on need. Especially biological needs.
- Without EROS (Romantic Passion) you don’t get born
- Without STORGE (Family Affection) you don’t get raised or provided for
o but no one NEEDS PHILIA to survive. As CS Lewis says, Friendship has no real survival value, rather, it adds VALUE to SURVIVAL. How so?
When I find someone who shares my perspective,
who faces what I face by my side,
who sees it like I see it;
a person with whom I share an affinity, a sense of humor, an opinion, a passion:
• I have found a companion who brings to life, joy, wisdom, and life change:
o Prov 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
o Prov 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
EROS AND STORGE INTRUDE
That’s PHILIA at it’s best. But a lot of people frankly, don’t do friendship love very well, because they can’t seem to keep STORGE and EROS love from taking over PHILIA.
So for example, while I NEED my friends in a pinch and a true friend is there for me in a pinch, we are not friends because of me getting in pinches all the time. Friendships where that defines them deteriorate very quickly into soul sucking friendships where one takes the role of parent and the other the role of a child. So STORGE defines those friendships… someone is always needy and someone needs to be needed.
But that’s not true PHILIA.
On the other hand, we now live in a society that can’t seem to imagine true PHILIA that doesn’t have EROS – an erotic sexual side – intruding on it – even with people of the same gender! Our culture has this goofy pseudoscience that merges homosexual social activism with evolutionary theory. The thinking goes like this: Evolution says we are nothing more than rutting animals with big brains and selfish genes seeking to make more big brained monkeys. Survival of the fittest is a nice way of saying, “breeding supremacy.” Conditioned this way by nature, EVERYTHING must come down to sex. So two men or two women having an intimate friendship must be (maybe secretly, unconsciously) about sex.
Now compare us to the ancients.
We MODERNS, so above nature in terms of our technology, are always trying to drag ourselves DOWN toward nature, and see ourselves as nothing but beasts. Ironically, the Ancients, who lived so much closer to the animals, were always trying to elevate humanity above nature.
- So while the Greeks, and even to the Hebrews tended to renounce nature and the body in some ways,
- We moderns on the other hand worship our bodies and our animalistic sides and debunk the soul.
As a result, we have no problem with STORGE and EROS – they are the natural loves we share with the animals… but we have a huge problem with PHILIA. We assume that any friendship really, under the surface is about
- A) SEX or
- B) MOMMY or DADDY NEED.
How impoverished is this way of thinking about friendship!
- It leads to men who, because they can’t do actual friendship, come to romantic relationships with women without a clue how to relate outside the bedroom.
- It leads to macho men who are afraid to hug another man, or cry or show demonstrable emotion. And so they avoid friendship altogether.
- It leads to women who won’t be your friend unless they can gain the upper hand of motherhood over you.
Listen: If you can’t even conceive of a friendship that isn’t a twisted form of EROTIC passion or an expression of FAMILIAL need, then you have never had a real friend. And sadly, that is many of us. Herb Goldberg, in his book, The Hazards of Being Male, argues
- "it is extremely difficult for a man to progress beyond the first and superficial stage of interpersonal relationships.”
And Daniel Levinson, after 10 years of research on the topic of male friendship, wrote,
"In our interviews, friendship was largely noticeable by its absence. Close friendship with a man or a woman is rarely experienced by American men"
PICKING FRIENDS
So between unhealthy STORGE love intruding on PHILIA and twisted EROS intruding on PHILIA, we have a real friendship problem. So let’s turn to the Bible for some hope and instruction. Proverbs 13:20 says-
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Think about that. Who are you “walking” with in your life? The word “walk” was a powerful metaphor in ancient times of the idea of living life. Life was a walk. In fact, in the New Testament, the word translated “live” is most often the Greek word “peripateo” which means literally “to walk.”
The ones you walk with, are the ones you are DOING LIFE with. IE your friends.
Therefore: the one you walk with, you become like. Mark that down. You will eventually become like the ones you walk with. Someone once said to me, “look at your friends very closely, because they are a picture of your future.” Now, as you do that with your friends, does that inspire you, or does that strike fear in your heart?
It’s true, the Bible says,
- if you walk with fools, you will become a fool, you will become impulsive, insensitive, immoral, unthinking, rash, irresponsible. But
- if you walk with the wise you will become wise, thoughtful, responsible, prudent, godly and blessed.
This is the superpower of PHILIA – the ability to change you, forge your identity and values, and embolden you in a common cause. It is it’s glory and it’s dark side. What do the following movement and institutions have in common?
- The abolition movement
- The Nazis
- The Roman Emperor cult
- The Methodists
- The American Revolution
- The YMCA
- This Church
o They all began as a circle of friends meeting in a living room.
The glory of Philia is that our friends create a sort of shield against the world. Because in Philia-Love, a person has found in someone else a common cause, a common goal, a common preference and now you can be bold in them – for good or evil.
Remember when you were in high school, you were so sensitive to the opinions of the outside world that you dared not divulge your preferences. You didn’t want anyone to know that your hobby was collecting rocks and your favorite music was Lionel Richie. You were timid about your opinions, almost ashamed, UNTIL you found Friends who shared your tastes. Suddenly you weren’t so timid. You didn’t care what others thought any more.
This week I was invited to a birthday party at Whirleyball in Edmonds*. This is a fun but weird sport – sort of basketball/hockey in bumper cars. While we were there we noticed some Whirleyball league play. As fun as it was, I couldn’t imagine spending the money and the time making this strange sport my hobby.
But there were teams there, complete with huddles and uniforms – one had orange shirts and burger king crowns. And the people looked as if (I hope you’ll not think me too cruel to say) like they spent their high school years in the computer club or collecting Star Trek memorabilia – if you know what I mean.
But you know what? I bet they just don’t give a rip what I think about them or their strange hobby. Why?
- Because they have a circle of PHILIA love.
- Because once you’ve found a peer group whose opinion really matters, guess who’s opinion matters a whole lot less?
o EVERYONE ELSE’S!
So friendship steels you, emboldens you against the crowd, galvanizes you for common cause. In so doing it makes you deaf to the voices of outsiders. For good OR evil.
- The circle of the early Christians turned deaf to the wild mockery of the Roman pagans because all that mattered was the love of their Christians brothers - those that affirmed their upside living was right and true – and that circle of friends turned that brutal world upside down with the religion of LOVE.
- But a gang of criminals survives the same way. They become deaf to the world, what they call the establishment, the man, the system. The addict – if we wants to be clean, apart from the chemical dependency he has to look FIRST at his circle of friends.
So because of the superpower of PHILIA, picking your walking mates is of utmost importance.
- Pick the right people and you’ve just selected a personal potential development team.
- Pick the wrong people and you’ve just selected a personal corruption team.
WRONG FRIENDS
To avoid the dark side of PHILIA let’s look at the kinds of friends God says to avoid putting on your personal board of directors. (Explain.) Here’s a handy list from Prov 6:17-19:
There are six things the LORD hates, no seven things that he detests: self-important eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
1. SELF IMPORTANT EYES
Pride is another way of saying this. A spirit of superiority or judgmentalism. You know what happens with people like this? Their circle of close friends keeps shrinking and boney fingers of judgment are pointed outside. A clique has formed.
2. A LYING TONGUE
We cannot walk closely with someone who plays it fast and loose with the truth and not pay. In two ways.
- One is that will rub off on us. Friends define normal.
- Secondly, you’ll be the victim of it and the pain will be intense.
3. HANDS THAT SHED INNOCENT BLOOD
No Ted Bundy’s on your list of intimate friends? Great, but this is saying,
- Steer clear of people who have a tendency to throw their weight around like bullies.
- Steer clear of folks whose MO is shoot first, ask questions later.
Prov 22:24-25
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Your inner circle of friends is no half way house to rehabilitate bullies.
4. A HEART THAT DEVISES WICKED SCHEMES
We all know people of low integrity. They’re always devising a way around the rules. Here’s how you…
- bypass this legislation,
- here’s how you don’t pay your taxes,
- avoid this law,
- take advantage of your company’s expense accounts,
- overlook this copyright
There are some circles of PHILIA where the rule in your little society is to ignore or grow deaf to your own conscience. Draw the boundary! (Kenton.)
The next person to avoid is someone with…
5. FEET THAT ARE QUICK TO RUSH INTO EVIL
Sounds similar to the last person and it is. But the emphasis here is on rushing or thoughtlessness. A person with no common sense. No sense of the future or consequences.
The next friend to avoid is a…
6. A FALSE WITNESS WHO POURS OUT LIES
This sounds like false friend number 2 but this is different. The former person specializes in general lies, usually to work themselves into a good position. This later person specializes in malicious lies to work other people into a bad position. A gossip.
We all love to be treated as so important that your friend would divulge their intimate nasty opinion of so and so with you, and ONLY you. It’s intoxicating. You’re so important, they told you!
Next time that exhilaration hits you, ask yourself, how soon before the tables are turned on me? How soon before this person takes information about me that I consider sacred and confidential and passes it on to others?
Prov 11:13
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
Lastly, we are to stay away from the
7. MAN WHO STIRS UP DISSENSION AMONG BROTHERS
What kind of person is this?:
- a person who stirs the pot of conflict with a sarcastic attitude.
- a person who has a habit of nursing grudges.
- a person who is always wanting their way.
- a person who demands huge apologies but never gives them
- a person who has a chronically unforgiving spirit and stores offenses.
You’re always going to be relational hell with this person. They’re not a safe person to let into the circle of your walking mates.
See friends, you don’t pick your family, (STORGE LOVE) and in a lot of ways people feel destiny or chemistry picked their Lovers (EROS LOVE). Only Philia do you exert free control of association. And God says, you must not use that freedom to tolerate in your inner circle, people like these 7.
- They will sap your spirit,
- They will wither your courage,
- They will fill you with shaming guilt.
o You can’t have them on your team.
GOOD FRIENDS
Conversely then, we should intentionally foster PHILIA LOVE with are the people who are the opposite.
- instead of the proud, we should be looking for a humble heart, a teachable spirit
- instead of the liar, we should be looking for someone who wrestles with the truth and will tell us the truth.
- instead of an angry person, we should invite the tender hearted
- instead of the rebellious we should invite the person of integrity
- instead of the devious we should invite the prudent
- instead of the loose lipped person, we should invite the person who treats our secrets with intense security
- instead of a divisive person, a person with a forgiving, reconciling spirit.
CONCLUSION
Someone here is saying, great Rick, but at what store do I buy these prepackaged, perfect friends? Well, you won’t find perfect friends. What the Bible is saying is that you can recognize pervasive habits. Everyone struggles with these areas, I struggle with all of them*. But you should ask, who is pervasively failing? Keep that person off your team. And here’s the kicker:
you may not be finding these kinds of friends, because people are staying away from you because YOU are pervasively failing in one or several areas… - repent, become a Christ follower, seek God’s strength to BE the kind of friend you seek.
The Bible says, Prov 18:24:
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
How many of you have read that before and said… “ah yes, God, I don’t just want to have companions, I want to have that kind of FRIEND!!” But how many us have read that verse and heard the voice of God saying, “BE that kind of friend – the one that doesn’t add survival value, but the one that adds value to survival!” God help us.