4. As You Like It – Love Languages
So have you ever had “the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie?” That doesn’t sound
like amore’ to me… that sounds more like assault. But if you’re really into Italian food,
or celestial bodies, maybe that sounds like amore’ to you. And that is what our topic is
today:
“AS YOU LIKE IT”
What feels like love to you may not feel like love to me.
THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE
So what says, LOVE to YOU? What says LOVE to your spouse? You need to find out
because Love is the thing. People talk today about how important communication is to
a marriage, but what is it that must be communicated? Be home by 2? Remember to
feed the dog? Pick up Johnny after practice? No, it’s LOVE that has to be
communicated.
The Bible says:
1 Cor 13:13 There are three things that will endure — faith, hope, and love —
and the greatest of these is love.
The Bible teaches Husbands specifically:
Eph 5:25-26 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her.
And likewise God says to wives:
Titus 2:4 [older women ought to] train the younger women to love their husbands
Love. The Bible says love is more important than spiritual gifts, more important than
words of knowledge, more important even than acts of service. LOVE the Bible says,
1 Cor 13:7-13 …never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and
endures through every circumstance. …There are three things that will endure
— faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love. SO follow the way of
love.
LOVE OR “BEING IN LOVE”?
But we so often settle, not for love, but for “BEING IN LOVE” which we mistake for the
real thing. Yet it’s not the same thing. In fact, psychologists are studying the
phenomena of being IN LOVE and describing it like this:
…a temporary collapse of ego boundaries in response to sexual stimuli, to
increase the probability of sexual pairing to enhance the survival of the species.
Kind of takes the wind out of Valentine’s Day, doesn’t it? But some of you have become
obsessed with this biologically driven high called being “in love”. And as a result you
are hungering for a new relationship, a new marriage, trying to recapture the magic. But
at the end of the day, you still do not feel loved.
“BEING IN LOVE” is a cool state of infatuation that brings butterflies in the stomach and
sexual chemistry and intense feelings. It’s awesome, I don’t deny it! But if you only
love and love others when this feeling is strong, you’re toast when it comes to marriage.
What do you do when the high wears off?
That’s why God never asks you ever to FEEL love. He just asks you to love.
Some of you in this room are in a relationship crisis and you’re focused on not FEELING
LOVE in this union which shows you’re an “in love” drug addict going through “in love”
withdrawals. Here’s what I suggest you try. You go home and commit that for the next
60 days you will love out of obedience to the command of God.
Which means you will do loving things. Love will be a verb not a noun for 2 months.
And you know what will happen? Like a caboose following the engine of love, the
feelings of love will follow. Yes, feelings of love will miraculously reappear in you when
you commit to perform the activities of love selflessly, regularly, obediently.
Now, HOW will you go about loving? What sort of things will you do? Where this is
where we get to the “AS YOU LIKE IT” PART.
LOVE LANGUAGES
Gary Chapman in his excellent book, the 5 Love Languages, notes that LOVE gets
FELT in unique ways by each individual. Love is like language. It’s universally required
for human relationship, but there are over 6,500 dialects in the world.
My wife and I went to Italy for our 15th wedding anniversary and my favorite phrase was,
“EYO NO CAPISCO ’L ITALIANO”. Which means, I do not understand Italian. My wife
on the other hand learned enough to converse. In Rome at a little restaurant by the
Trevy Fountain, Johnna asked for the check:
Contare, gratzi – which she thought meant, “the total please.”
The nice Italian waiter, looked a little funny, then burst out laughing and said, in perfect
English, “would you really like me to sing, or would you like the bill instead?” What she
wanted to say was “conta”, total, but she said, contare, sing. It’s amazing what one little
“R” can do.
Friends, often love is lost, not because Love is not there, but because it isn’t
communicated in a language we understand. A couple will come to me and say,
That’s it, Rick, the honeymoon is over, my husband hates me. I turn to the
husband and I say, “is that true, do you hate her?” No, I love her, though I don’t
really like her right now. And then I ask the wife, “do you love him?” Well, sure I
LOVE him. “Could have fooled me!” the husband says.
Friends, I’ve watched Christian couples divorce and do you know what they say? “I still
love him.” “I still love her.” So evidently love is not the problem. It’s the
COMMUNICATION OF LOVE that’s the problem. Two ships passing in the night.
There’s a clean miss going on.
The thing about a love language is that, just like a spoken language, the language you
speak naturally to others is the language you understand and want spoken back to you.
So to not only love, but to get love across, we must learn the love languages of those
we seek to love. The Bible says,
“seek to build others up, according to their need.”
So what is the LOVE need your spouse has, driven by their unique love language?
Let’s look at Chapman’s list of 5:
1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Some people
are like that. They feel love, they get their love tank filled when they hear words that
build them up. The Bible says that simple words are powerful:
PROV 18:21 “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you
choose.
So is this your love language? Is this what you do? Are you verbose in your praise, in
your words of affection, is it easy for you to give compliments? Then this is probably
your language. Now, there may be people in your life, for whom this is NOT their
language.
How does knowing this help you to LOVE better? Well, your spouse may not care
about words as much as you do – WORDS do not carry the same weight to them. So
while you are saying the words, they are not necessarily hearing your LOVE.
Be less baffled if they are angry, resentful or empty from not feeling love even
though you think you’re giving boat loads of love!
But others of us are connected to someone who speaks this language and it’s not
yours. You must learn to be able to receive the love that they are sending you, AND
you must learn to send it back in the SAME dialect. You say,
man, that’s tough Rick, I’m just not that wordy… I feel almost like if I have to say
it, it’s not really true, it feels fake to me.
Listen, if that’s you, and you have a WORDS love language person in your home, they
are telling you:
Hey, words may be cheap, but I’m a low budget guy!
I’m not suggesting that you flatter in order to manipulate people, but listen, if you know
some word-type people, they don’t care! Manipulate me! Flattery will get you
everywhere – why? It’s their language. They love to hear the words and WORDS
makes them feel loved. And what’s true friends, that when the people you love FEEL
loved, they are going to reciprocate.
2. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Some people aren't even aware of the fact that whenever they feel love for someone,
without even thinking about it, they wind up showing their love physically. They stroke
an arm or give a hug or a kiss, they touch a cheek or a shoulder, they give a massage
One of my best friends gives full frontal hugs to ALL of his friends – he’ll just invade
your personal space. But Touch-ers don’t care, they don't think twice about physical
affection, they don’t debate about what's appropriate, they just touch - it's their
language.
One woman I know of was raised in a good home, lots of love, care, provision… but not
much physical touch, especially from her dad. She grew up wondering why in this
“good home” she often felt so lonely and like she needed to earn her father’s love – her
siblings didn’t seem to have the same problems. And then the day came for her to
leave for college and at the car, ready to leave, her father reached out a little awkwardly
and hugged her and he just held her there for quite a few moments.
And she says that was one of the most emotionally liberating experiences of her life.
Jesus would often have children brought to him, specifically so that he could touch
them. He knew how important touch was. Why? Because to a large degree, friends,
we ARE our bodies. Touch my body and you touch me, withhold touch from my body,
you are rejecting me. This is true to a certain extent for all of us, but especially true of
those of us who have TOUCH as their primary love language.
To someone that doesn’t have this language… this stuff seems trivial and unimportant –
and some of you even look at this as the opposite of love. You see touching as a
selfish, demanding, a life sucking sort of insistence.
You need to stop judging and realize the VOLUMES of love you pile into your loved
one’s love tank, if you’ll speak their language and touch them*.
3. QUALITY TIME
But then there are people for whom TIME is of the essence when it comes to love. To
give time, is to give LOVE.
In the early days of our marriage I was completely confused by my wife’s behavior.
When we had a busy day full of chores I would make the very reasonable and logical
suggestion that we look at our list of things to do and divide and conquer. Makes
sense, right? You don’t want to spend your day off working only on chores do you?
Who wouldn’t want to reduce time spent doing that stuff as much as possible?
My wife that’s who. She’d say:
“I guess we could do it that way…”
I’m thinking, what other way is there to do it? Well, she said, “we could do it together…
but clearly you don’t want to do that… so forget it.” It was a revelation to me that she
actually wanted to do everything on that list, every errand, every chore, every task,
every odd job, every bit of shopping TOGETHER.
Weird. But no weirder than Spanish is Weird to a person speaking Japanese, right?
And if the Bible is right when it says, “LOVE IS NOT SELF SEEKING”, then love means
I reach out in a way that may not be comfortable to me.
“Husbands,” the Bible says, “be considerate as you live with your wives.” And I think
that consideration applies equally to wives… consider what they enjoy and then join
them there, not begrudgingly, but willingly.
My mother was not happy the day my dad came home with a motorcycle. The irony
was that all my life, he fought us on getting motorcycles. But when I turned 18, he pulls
up on a massive street bike. My mother was not pleased at the impulsive buy. But she
adopted the… “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” philosophy – and discovered a love language
coup.
My dad’s love language is time, my mom’s is not*. So 5 summers ago they took an
11,000 mile motorcycle trek around North America to visit kids and relatives. This is
about as close to heaven as it gets for these two… my dad rides this huge Gold Wing all
dressed in leather – gets to work out some secret Hell’s Angel fantasies – and my
mother talks for hours on the helmet intercom.
My mother joined my dad in this activity and his tank gets full… and my dad is better
able to reciprocate.
4. ACTS OF SERVICE
Everyone wants to be served… but to serve others is a whole different story. We’re a
little less interested in that. Yet the Bible says servanthood is a powerfully important
way of expressing love. In fact it says,
1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really
show it by our actions…
For some people, acts of service are an especially important way of expressing love.
For them, actions, speak louder than words. Actions say love like nothing else… things
like:
- cooking a meal
- bringing home a regular paycheck
- vacuuming the house
- cleaning the bathroom
- mowing the lawn
- cleaning the car or the garage
- washing the dishes,
So these people do these sorts of things and expect others to as well. It’s their
language. Ironically SERVERS will often be paired with TALKERS or TOUCH-ERS.
Everyone likes to be served, but some people don’t have their Love Tank tied to the
chores around the house. Others do.
So it’s up to you to realize what language people around you need you speak.
5. GIFT GIVING
While some people want you to say it and others want to touch it and others want to be
around it, and others want to see it in action – still others want love wrapped up in
packages tied up with string, surprises, presents, rewards, OR they want it in
opportunities, special events, chances to grow, to stretch, to fly.
That’s a person who’s love language is gift giving. People gifted at gifting others. They
spend time to pick out the perfect little thing, that nick knack or special something that
just perfectly “fits” their beloved.
It’s such a powerful conveyor of love because they’re paying attention to you. You
know you walked through the store and may an off handed comment, “I’d like that!”
They were paying attention. Making mental notes. “she’d like that, got it.”
For them, the gift is secondary, the thought and attention on the recipient… is
primary.
Now, some of you are like this. You love in this way naturally… Others of you don’t get
this at all. And those in one camp are usually married to those in the other. It’s going to
be a challenge!
But Jesus said something that ought to motivate you to accept the LOVE challenge and
seek his help:
Matt 7:12 "Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a
summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.
You can summarize all the moral teachings of the Bible in that one rule: just do for
others what you want them to do for you. Well, I would like them to love me, in a way
I understand. So, do that, FOR THEM!
God certainly speaks the gift giving language fluently:
For God so loved the world that he GAVE his only begotten Son, that whoever
believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life.
He knows us and studies us and assessed our great need, which was redemption, and
he gave to that great need. Gift givers are paying attention to their beloved’s needs. If
you’re married to one and this isn’t your language, you’re probably not paying attention
the way they are to little clues people leave about what they would like, what they need,
what they DESIRE.
If you weren’t paying attention, now is the time to get out a piece of paper and start
making a list. What do they like to get; or to do? Remember, opportunity is a gift too.
Gifts that allow a person to stretch their wings and fly, indulge in that hobby, experiment
with that craft.
Early in my marriage my wife saw me get all excited watching the Bob Ross painting
show on TV. He’s the guy who paints landscapes, with “happy trees”, “where do your
happy clouds live?” I remember saying to the TV, “I bet I could do that…”
I didn’t think of it again, until we were in the store one day, and Johnna goes out of her
way to say, let’s get you painting supplies. Well, that was a gift AND an opportunity and
I felt so loved… it was a sacrifice too, because we had little disposable income, in our
first year of marriage.
What you can do is start to pay attention to those sorts of comments… “I wish I had a…”
“that would so cool to…” Write them down, to remember them later.
Now, if you’re love tank is empty because of inept giving, a word about gift receiving. A
principle of sound government applies:
What you tax you discourage, what you subsidize you ENCOURAGE.
When the government subsidizes poverty, it encourages poverty, when it subsidizes
marriage, it encourages marriage. When the government taxes investment it
discourages investment, when it taxes imports, it discourages imports.
So every imported gift that comes to you… you must ask, do I tax this, or do I subsidize
this? Do I discourage or do I encourage? DO you see how this works? When your
spouse comes home with that hastily assembled, not terribly well thought out gift,
- do you put a heavy tariff on that?
- Do you say, “what’s this for?”
- This is pretty cheap.
- Why’d you get me that?
- Didn’t you hear me say what I wanted?
When you taxed that gift, you just ensured that you won’t be getting another for a long
time. Understand that it’s a fearful thing for some people to give a gift because of the
rejection factor. So when you subsidize a less than perfect gift with praise (* thanks for
the great… bowling ball), you make gift giving a non-fearful, pleasant thing and you
ENCOURAGE more of it.
You want people to find out what Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than
receive.” You do that by being a gracious receiver of whatever gifts come, and so
ensure more and better will follow.
CONCLUSION
So, what language do you hear love best in? Hopefully you’ve identified your own and
especially those of your spouse:
- it is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION?
- Is it PHYSICAL TOUCH?
- Is it QUALITY TIME?
- Is it ACTS OF SERVICE?
- Is it GIFTS and OPPORTUNITIES?
If you get this, then with God’s help you can love as God says:
- Build each other up according to THEIR need
- Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
- Love is not self seeking, 1 Cor 13:7
Some of you speak your own language fluently. There’s a lot of touch or talk or time or
service or gifts flying around you… but somehow the spouse next to you is feeling
empty, frustrated, and like calling it quits. How could that be if you’re are working so
hard?
The reason might be that you’re doing what comes NATURALLY to you… but if love is
not self seeking (1 Cor 13:7), then it will have to be given at times in ways that are
UNNATURAL to us. But if you do, two things:
- ONE: you will increase the chance that you’ll invite and motivate
reciprocation.
- TWO: you will be an imitator of God who speaks all the languages so well:
o He touches us through the Body of Christ
o He speaks the word through his Word.
o He abides with us through the Holy Spirit, our moment by moment
Counselor inside.
o He served us by meeting all our needs, and many of our wants
o He gave his Son to redeem us and bring us into relationship with Himself.
