AC3 E Groups
AC3 E-Group Outline - Feb 20th-21st
Posted by Carin on Feb 19 2010(Print)
ICEBREAKER: HOW MUCH DO WE HAVE IN COMMON?
Coffee or Tea
Romantic Comedy or Suspense
Peanut Butter or Jelly
Early Bird or Night Owl
Lake or Ocean
Fine China or Paper plate
James Brown or James Taylor
Coke or Pepsi
Snow or Beach
Lone Ranger or Tonto
Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble
Thelma or Louise
Batman or Robin
Lucy Ricardo or Ethel Mertz
DISCUSSION/SCRIPTURE/ACTIVITY:
Quick recap of the first two LOVES –
EROS [Romantic Passion]
STORGE [Family Affection]
Pick your kind of love! And describe what makes it that kind of love.
Storge or Eros – Young couple dating?
Storge or Eros – Elderly couple holding hands in the park? (Trick can be either)
Storge or Eros – Mother holding baby for first time?
Storge or Eros – Father giving away his daughter on her wedding day?
PHILLA distinguishes itself from the other loves in that it is the love built least on need, especially biological need. Rick pointed out without EROS (Romantic Passion) you probably wouldn’t be born in the first place. And without STORGE (Family Affection) you probably won’t be raised or provided for very well.
PHILLA (Friendship Love) is not needed to survive. But as CS Lewis states, Friendship has no real survival value, rather, it adds VALUE to SURVIVAL!
QUESTION: (If children are present don’t be afraid to ask them to answer this one – just make sure they stick around to here the follow up).
What kind of things make it hard to enter into friendship with others?
(Leader) The idea here is to pull out the “it’s hard because…”
“Too busy”
“Too big of an investment of time and energy”
“Have to get real with someone”
“Afraid of being judged”
“If they knew the real me”
“Been hurt in the past”
Q: IF REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIPS ADDED VALUE TO YOUR SURVIVAL WOULDN’T PHILA BE WORTH ALL OF THOSE REASONS WE JUST STATED WERE HARD? IF SO, WHY?
(Leader you can try to encourage group to counter their own reasons why it would be hard with why it would be worth it – especially the children)
The thing about STORGE and EROS is that they are the most natural of these 3 loves.
Philia is more spiritual and idealistic. This may explain why we have such a hard time with this.
As modern day man when we tend to make everything about either a SEXUAL NEED or a MOMMY/DADDY NEED - making a true PHILA FRIENDSHIP love seem impossible.
Q: Does anyone remember some of the down falls with having this way of thinking that Rick shared about?
-It leads to men who, because they can’t do actual friendship, come to a romantic relationship with women without a clue how to relate.
-It leads to men who are afraid to hug another man, or cry or show demonstrable emotion and so they avoid friendship altogether.
-It leads to women who won’t be your friend unless they can put themselves in the upper hand of parenthood (i.e. fix you).
Q: What would be other down falls? (Open discussion)
All of this doesn’t allow for a lot of room for a real PHILIA relationship.
Here is what the BIBLE says about finding/picking friends.
PROVERBS 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Using this as a reference, think about WHO ARE YOU WALKING WITH?
The ones that you are “walking with” are the ones you are “doing life with”.
Q: If this is the first time you have heard this – take a moment to really take that in.
If you have heard this before, when was the first time that you really started to understand
the importance of looking at “who you walk with”?
(You can ask for good and/or bad examples of this IF you feel appropriate for your egroup).
The Bible says, “If you walk with fools, you will become a fool, you will become impulsive, insensitive, immoral, unthinking, rash, irresponsible. But if you walk with the wise you will become wise, thoughtful, responsible, prudent, godly and blessed. “
So we can gather from what the Bible tells us, when it comes to PHILA, picking our “walking” mates is of utmost importance.
Here is how to avoid the dark side of PHILA RELATIONSHIPS
PROVERBS 6:17-19 There are six things the LORD hates, no seven things that he detests: Self important eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
Let’s see if we can guess the definitions of each of these. (Answer is always ALL OF THE ABOVE).
1. SELF IMPORTANT EYES Is it…
a. Pride
b. Pervasive Spirit
c. Judgementalism
There are some folks, for whom no one else seems quite good enough. This is self important eyes. You know what happens with people like this? Their circle of close friends keeps shrinking and shrinking because no one’s good enough for them, and then they wonder why they feel so alone! If you don’t want to share in that fate, don’t invite them into your inner circle.
2. A LYING TONGUE
a. A Truth Shader
b. A Fast Talker
c. An Angle Worker
When we are walking with someone who is “D – All of the Above” we can tend to allow that to be our normal also. And when we are walking with a person who is always covering it over, trying to make it less harsh, trying to put themselves in a good light, trying to work the angles for their benefit – that person is going to hurt us. Maybe their truth shading helps you because they’re constantly flattering you, and so you kind of like it. But sooner or later, you’ll be the victim of it and the pain will be intense.
3. HANDS THAT SHED INNOCENT BLOOD
a. A person who throws their weight around
b. A person who devalues others
c. A person with the shoot first, ask questions second mantality
Steer clear of all of the above!
PROVERB 22:24-25 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
4. A HEART THAT DEVISES WICKED SCHEMES
a. Knows how to bypass the rules
b. Finds ways to take advantage of company’s expense account
c. Overlooks copyright laws
We all know people of low integrity. They’re always devising a way around the rules.
5. FEET THAT ARE QUICK TO RUSH INTO EVIL
a. Thoughtless
b. No common sense
c. No sense of what will come from their decisions
They are quick to run headlong into a shady or deceitful situation. Some people go running headlong into trouble and then they say innocently, “I didn’t know, I wasn’t aware, I wasn’t sure, I had no idea.”
6. A FALSE WITNESS WHO POURS OUT LIES
a. One who maliciously lies
b. A Gossip
c. Makes you feel special that they divulged these lies to you
We all love to be treated as so important that your friend would divulge their intimate nasty opinion of so and so with you, and ONLY you. It’s intoxicating. You’re so important, they told you! Next times that exhilaration hits you, ask yourself, how soon before the tables are turned on me?
PROVERBS 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
7. MAN WHO STIRS UP DISSENSION AMONG BROTHERS
a. stirs the pot of conflict
b. nurses grudges
c. demands huge apologies but never gives them
Again, ALL OF THE ABOVE!
See friends, you don’t pick your family, (STORGE LOVE) and in a lot of ways people feel destiny or chemistry picked their Lovers (EROS LOVE). Only with PHILA do you exert free control of association.
APPLICATION: (Everyone will need a note card sized paper and pen for this.)
(As you are reading the list below to the group, have everyone write the words that are in bold)
Now that we know what not to look for in our PHILA RELATIONSHIPS, let’s see at what we should look for.
Here’s the opposite list of characteristics of a people in which we should intentionally foster PHILA LOVE with.
- instead of the proud, we should be looking for a humble heart, a teachable spirit
- instead of the liar, we should be looking for someone who will tell us the truth.
- instead of an angry person, we should invite the tender hearted
- instead of the rebellious we should invite the person of integrity
- instead of the devious we should invite the prudent
- instead of the loose lipped person, we should invite the person who treats our secrets with intense security
- instead of a divisive person, a person with a forgiving, reconciling spirit.
Now we may look at this list and wonder how to find true friends like this, but the first step here is actually to look at our own hearts and see how we can strive to be more of a friend like this.
Take a moment and write down an area in friendship that you would like GOD to help you with. Maybe it will be that you will find some one to walk with. Or that God will help develop an area in your heart to be a better friend to those already in your life.
For prayer this week, turn to the person to your left and commit to praying for them through this next week. Write that person’s name down on the back of your paper and make sure to put that in a safe place you will see it this week.
One last verse to take with you tonight…
PROVERBS 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
God Bless and have a wonderful week!
