Answer:
I believe the first thing you have to do is separate forgiveness from other things that might make forgiveness extra scary or difficult. Like reconciliation, or excusing, or condoning. Make sense? Forgiveness is NOT (always) reconciling, it’s not permission to do it again and it’s not saying “I trust you” and it’s not forgetting.
The best way to understand forgiveness is to look at it through the lens of God’s forgiveness of us. His action implies a two way street. There is forgiveness being offered by the offended on one hand, and forgiveness being received by the offender (that’s us) on the other hand.
As the offended party in every sin, what God commits to do is to OFFER forgiveness. That means he agrees to release the offender of the price that ought to be paid for the offense. That’s what forgiveness literally means: “to release”. How can he do this? Well, this is something God must do inside his own Self. You see, there is ALWAYS payment for sin. It’s like a law hardwired into the moral fabric of the universe.
Think about a bank debt that a person might have. If that debt cannot be paid, and the bank decides to forgive the loan, does that loss just go away? No! That money has to show up as a loss on someone’s ledger. If the debtor can’t pay it, the loaner takes the loss. He takes the hit. In Christ God did this for all of us. That’s why the sufferings of Christ were necessary. Sin debts do not just go away. If they are to be forgiven, SOMEONE has to take the loss. God decided he would take our sin losses into himself. What love! (Romans 5:8)
Just like that, a human forgiver agrees in the offering of forgiveness that they will take the hit. They will accept the loss. They will humbly absorb the debt and no longer ask the other person to pay it. When we refuse to offer forgiveness, what we’re saying, is: “you owe me a debt, and I refuse to pay it. I will therefore NOT release you of this offense, and I demand that YOU pay it. I will extract this payment from you, by distance, anger, shame, resentment, loss of relationship, hatred, malice or even my pity.”
So as the offended party, you have to decide whether you will follow Christ’s pattern and release the offender, or not.
Now, like I said, offering forgiveness does not mean that you automatically reconcile. There is forgiveness “receiving”. And the way that happens is not just saying, “I screwed up, get over it!”. No. A genuine confession, includes a true turning from the behavior that hurt the other, and asking for their forgiveness and specific ownership of sin, and a humble willingness to accept the consequences… these are the preconditions of RECEIVING forgiveness.
Let’s say the person you’re talking about has not done any of those preconditions. It’s still a two way street. You can still do your part, even if they don’t do theirs. You can still offer forgiveness even if they don’t do what’s necessary to receive (notice I don’t say “earn”) it. If they don’t, there’s no real hope for the reestablishment of relationship or the rebuilding of trust. If they do, then it depends on the severity of the offense when, how much, and how fast you can build things back. If the offense was very severe, like child abuse, it may never be appropriate to restore deep relationship. If it was not as severe it may need a time frame to rebuild. Other relationships can be totally reconciled and even be deeper once forgiveness is extended and accepted.
But the implicit promises of forgiveness which can be offered no matter what are:
- you will release the offender,
- you will not hold it over them or use it against them,
- you will not dwell on it, and
- you will not let it stand in the way of relationship.
o You can offer those promises in your heart before God, even if the other person never repents or truly confesses or acknowledges the damage or seeks restitution.
o It is true that God stands ready to forgive everyone of his wayward children, but many, we are told, will never be forgiven. Because it’s a two way street. God holds out forgiveness to all, but some will be rebels to the end.
A word about forgetting: you cannot forget wrongs – not easily. What God does is, he “chooses to remember them no more.” (Isaiah 43:25). That’s different from forgetting. You choose not to dwell on something as a conscious act of your will. It doesn’t mean the memory is erased like a video tape that’s destroyed. The memory is still there. It just means, every time it comes to mind, you choose not to dwell on it. Say, “I’ve chosen to release that.” And then, asking God’s help, change the mental channel.
Now, if you’re having a problem doing your part, there is only one solution. It’s perspective therapy. And Jesus tells a story for the precise purpose of helping us gain this perspective. It’s from Matthew 18:21-35. The story is of a man who owes a King an unpayable debt. But this is graciously forgiven by the King. Yet, despite this grace, the man goes from there and chokes and imprisons another man who owes him far less money. Jesus says, the man’s unforgiveness of his neighbor shows he didn’t get it… When you have a much larger debt paid for you, you ought to return the favor to others who owe you debts – especially if theirs are smaller than yours was.
This is the hardest part of the parable to accept – but we must accept it if we’re to forgive from our hearts: We have to accept that not matter how much someone else has hurt us, it is nothing compared to how much we have hurt God. Their debt with us is a pittance compared to our debt with God. So if God can forgive us OUR much larger debt, we must forgive others their smaller debts against us.
This is, in fact, how Jesus taught us to pray (Matt 6:12) – to ask God to forgive us in the same way we forgive others. And Jesus gives us a stern and sober warning (Matt 18:35). If we will not forgive, he says, then we have not really received God’s forgiveness, because the hypocrisy reveals a lack of true contrition, and repentance in us. As I said before, those are biblical preconditions of forgiveness.
So that’s Jesus solution to a spirit of unforgiveness. Just focus like a laser beam on God’s forgiveness of you, and then a grateful, humble heart will more readily offer it up for others.